Have you ever considered what it takes to be a foster parent? To love a child then to see it returned to their place of origin, with no say in the matter? The place that was full of chaos, abuse and neglect? Being a former foster parent and a newly adoptive parent (since March of this year) of 6 siblings, I don't think most people in the outside world know what we (foster parents) do, or in my case did.
Today a tragedy happened in my neighborhood. A beautiful young child, who a foster mother had loved for 15 months, was removed due to the fact my neighbor is white (Anglo - as we are called here). Foster parents in this area of the country that are white have no hope of adopting Native children. There is a law called ICWA - Indian Child Welfare Act.
I am sure this law was started by people who love children, who thought they had the best interest of the children at heart, and wanted to keep children from being unfairly removed from the Native community - since white man had done that so often here. Yep, I am often reminded how I am the white man (woman), even by my adopted 10 yr old daughter - I believe she learned it at a BIE school - Bureau of Indian Education. Yes, I am wondering if it is the best place to send my daughter, or is she just being taught to be racist?
Anyway, back to my neighbor - she cannot be considered for Native adoption, which the state fully knew, at that time. Why then are they placing children in her home when she cannot adopt them? Where are the Native families doing foster care? How come they aren't taking care of their own?
Oh, I got it! We (the foster parents) are great to change poopy diapers, put up with the alcohol withdrawal, wean them off of drugs, but yet we can't adopt them. This is sad; this child had only been in the birth home and then my neighbors. Today she moved in with complete strangers. Ok, not complete, she had met them at times (maybe 5, for up to 3 hours at a time). This baby had only been to respite once while in my neighbors care, why? She wanted to make sure somebody else would take care of her baby just as good as she did.
My neighbor had taken care of two sets of siblings before this baby. The first set has a now 10 yr female, 7 yr male and a just turned 2 yr female. In this set, the children were moved to a cousin that wanted the kids. Guess what? The cousin didn't know them, but she was a relative, so ICWA moved them. Less than a few months later, they were returned to CYFD (Children, Youth, Family Division) of NM.
Yes, the neighbor had told the state issues that needed to be addressed - the lying, stealing, and sexual actions. I guess the aunt wanted the then 6 month old female. But she came with baggage.
These children are now available. Would my neighbor take them back? Yes, they were talked about with her. How strange, she is able to take children with issues - the chronic move also causes RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder. The two older kids already have it, now the youngest is on at least her 4th move. Think she might get this - not learn to attach, due to all the moves?
The second set was again a sibling group. In this family is 9 yr boy, 6 yr boy and an almost 3 yr boy. When the children were first placed there last summer, the youngest boy could hardly speak, he eventually called her mop. This child had been in placement since birth - nobody, NOBODY - not even the STATE had gotten him attention for this. Yes, we struggle with understanding him, but he is learning to talk better - good thing she is a teacher.
The older boy had been in care and experienced things one would not want to deal with. But did the child receive counseling on this? Nope, he didn't have issues, not that the state had seen. But then again when would they? If they visit once a month, IF they visit, how can a 30 minute visit show anything? My children would withdraw as not to have to engage with the worker, if she came. How could they see anything in the short visits? They are calm and quiet. Part of the reason: the children are concerned,"Is she (the caseworker) going to take me again?"
The middle child of the group is better adjusted, but has some issues. Not sure how many times the boys have been moved in the 3 yrs they have been in care, but they have been in too many homes. TOO MANY HOMES.
The state does not support their foster care providers; just move the kids to another home, let's fix the problem with a move. However, after the honeymoon period the kids issues show up, so then again, they get moved.
The second group was moved to an aunt's house last fall, but by January, they were returned to the state. The kids were then placed in my neighbor's house, being told she would probably be able to adopt them.
But, ICWA found another aunt, after the state time period for a realtive search was over. SO the state, being afraid of ICWA, cowered like a dog. Ok, even though the aunt didn't even know there was a younger sibling, she might be able to take them. These kids are in limbo. Who fights for their cause?
Where do the people wanting some stability and a safe home for these kids go to fight for them? Who can my neighbor talk to? These kids call my neighbor mom. How can the children not see the difference between the two races? Aren’t they both human, don’t they both love each other? Oh, wait; she is Anglo, that can’t be.
For three months they have been checking the aunt out. We will find out soon if she is considered a better placement. But I wonder, has she been informed of all the issues?
Any child in foster care has issues, for some reason they are in the system. Even if they were removed for a non-valid reason, they now have issues - will it happen again, why I am here, etc.
How can the state offer these other sibling sets to my neighbor? If she wasn't good enough for the young child who left today, how can they consider others? OH, I got it, place kids with issues in the Anglo home, then when they grow up all their problems could be that they weren't placed with a Native family.
But wait, the toddler today, had an older brother by a couple of years. He lived with relatives in Native housing on the reservation, only this time they didn't pass the bar - whatever one that is. The child had lived there with the grandparents for 2 years, but all of a sudden, Native life wasn't good enough. NOPE, we will place these two kids in a Native home where the language isn't spoke and they don’t live on the rez. Let's pray they don't come back after being there for a few months. Actually I would be thrilled to have the sweet thing returned, but for her emotional health, less disruption is best.
It is sad and hard to be a foster parent/want-to be adoptive parent. Especially when you are white here around the rez. Most the kids in foster care are Native, but cannot stay in the homes they are in. Mine did. Wonder if it was because they were a sibling group of 7, 5 of which have RAD, ODD, 4 of those have FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effect) and other issues.
At least I had an ICWA social worker visit my house, 3 times in the 2 yrs 4 months the kids were here before the adoption was complete. Of course, we had 2 ICWA workers in that time. The first one stated, my youngest had been here more than 6 months and she was attached, and she needed to stay. But when she moved on to a better job, the new social worker had other ideas. Wonder how things could change? What the first worker stated was no longer true. That had to be considered. They had to again talk to family members to find family that might want the 7. The whole process began again. WHAT is fair for the kids?
They found a Native family in Denver; perhaps they should move them there. In the end they didn't move them anywhere. But my husband and I had to be very vocal, at times, being the only voice, it felt like, for the kids.
My neighbor had never had ICWA visit her house for any of the kids, till the month of July for the 2nd sibling set that might be able to stay. Why did it take so long for ICWA to come? If they were so concerned about where the Native children lived should they not rush out to check on them?
Children are PRECIOUS. How many lives are ruined by people trying to be politically correct? Children are a GIFT FROM GOD! Not just babies! If the cycle of stability is lost on the foster care kids, they will not know that for their own children. The cycle just keeps cycling. Help break the cycle.
Yes, foster parents are there to foster. Many foster just to foster - there are not many perks. But sometimes a child will touch our hearts, that is when our hearts break and we wonder should we keep doing this? If you have not thought about the kids in the system by no fault of their own, I ask you to think of them.
I thank my son, Thomas, for wanting us to foster. I was truly blessed he was able to spend 1 1/2 yrs with the siblings that were eventually adopted. He opened my eyes; he wanted a sister. He now has 4. Consider how blessed you are, then consider all the kids who need someone to love them. Think of what you can give someone; your time.
You do not even have to be full-time foster parents. The needs are great in the system - emergency care (when the kids come in the system) or respite care (giving the foster parents a much needed break - you could become a second aunt or grandma). Consider what you might be able to do.
DON'T JUST BE PRO-LFE, IF YOU ARE PRO-LIFE, THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE KIDS AFTER THEY ARE BORN? WHO CARES FOR THEM? BE PRO-FAMILY.
